In my work providing coaching and teaching for LGBTQ+ spirituality and deconstruction for exvangelicals, I’ve noticed some patterns. I’ve recognized commonly held beliefs which hold us back. One of these beliefs stands out as especially harmful due to its foundational nature. Many of us have believed a lie that has severed the deepest connection we can experience in life. Both religious and even anti-religious messaging perpetuate this lie, while some wield it as a weapon. It shackles those who claim that it’s the truth that will set us free. And this great falsity splinters into all kinds of tributaries. It fuels false narratives, bad theology, and the exploitation of our fears, hopes, and even prejudices.
The lie?
That body and soul/spirit are somehow separate. That our personhood itself, by nature, is split.
This lie manifests in many forms. From creating personas for church and religious environments (that contrast how we are the rest of the week) to missing the inherent beauty in present living to neglecting or even rejecting that we have a soul at all.
When we buy into this lie, we suffer a deep laceration within ourselves which prevents us from connection with our full self.
I primarily experienced this lie by being taught that my very nature (due to my sexuality) was sinful and somehow at odds with my spiritual self. From a very early age, my Pentecostal/Evangelical upbringing instilled the idea in me that there was a battle between everyone’s body and their spirit. This dualism was tantamount to the brand of Christianity I was taught (and bought into hook, line, and sinker.) This included teaching us we had to be separate from the world, that we are split within ourselves, that the sacred is a contrast to the secular. Dualism set up a new system of authority, dogma, and extensive rules we were all expected to follow or face being excluded, or worse (in my best Hermione Granger voice) expelled – into hell itself.
We must deconstruct this harmful belief in order to move forward in growing spiritually.
The Cost
Because of these teachings, many of us experience anxiety at the thought of rejecting a religious belief or being our true selves if we are LGBTQ+. We feel forced to make a choice between parts of ourselves which are integral to who we are. Sadly, many of us do make a choice and face a deep splitting. It reminds me of the children in The Golden Compass who are tragically cut from their spirits by the Magisterium. And like those children, we face a death of one kind or another, no matter what part of ourselves we decide to hold onto and what part to reject.
For years, I chose what I had been taught, and I rejected and tried to suppress my own sexuality. When I was 28, I finally began to recognize I didn’t have to choose, that the entire idea of fracturing myself was a false dichotomy. In my work as a therapist and a spiritual coach, I have witnessed this type of dying as well as the dying that comes from cutting off our spiritual selves. In our image-centric and work driven culture, we stay busy and distracted enough to not listen to the longings deep within ourselves, making it even easier to neglect our souls.
Choosing Wholeness
What would be different for you if you didn’t feel that there was a separation between your physical and spiritual self? How would it free you if you didn’t feel you had to choose between spirituality and your identity as a LGBTQ+ person?
Over the years, I’ve found strategies and resources to help with bringing aspects of ourselves back home to center. I encourage beginning to reimagine how you view spirituality and your spirit. From there, you’ll learn fresh ways for how to reconnect with your spirit. In fact, I think it’s so important, I created a brief (fun size) course called “Redefine” to help with just that first step.
Spirituality isn’t just religion; it’s about deeper living and being aligned within yourself.
Some tips from someone who’s been there:
- You don’t have to go it alone. When I came out to myself 14 years ago and began my journey of self-acceptance, I found it very difficult to find others who could relate. Yet, having the love and support of affirming friends went a long way in helping me through the most difficult moments.
- Think outside the box. Allow yourself to listen to other voices and ideas and to study other perspectives. This equips you to have a more open mind that is less likely to reject a part of yourself.
- Implement simple practices and structure as you re-examine your beliefs or work to reconnect with yourself. This provides a type of scaffolding or framing which you can continue to build on as you move forward.
Finally, If you also have a background within a religious tradition that caused you to feel this split, I invite you to join my upcoming cohort based online course Reclaim (Part 1): Reconnecting Spirit with LGBTQ+ Personhood. This first cohort is open to LGBTQ+ people only. Please sign up on the waiting list for the next round which is not LGBTQ+ specific if you’d like to stay updated on when that is open for registration!
Reclaim (Part 1) is a 6 week program for deconstructing messages received about God, self, and the world as well as for rethinking spirituality and practicing ways to reconnect with our spirits. Best of all, it’s structured within a cohort group for community support and weekly live sessions that enhance the written and video materials. Course work begins on September 18th.
For more details and registration, visit the course page here (click on image):
And if this isn’t for you, but you’d like to stay connected and updated on more resources, please sign up for my newsletter below and receive my free resource, “Tools for Deconstruction.”
However you move forward, I wish you the best in your journey.
Charity